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Like every year, a week before Chinese New Year would be the week where my mom would make a fuss about keeping the house clean and taking out the trash we keep. And just like every year, I would bring the black spacious garbage bag to my room and please my mom when she sees the items I've thrown.
I find many things I lost during spring cleaning. This year, this day, I only found things I want to get rid of and very less I want to keep. Its been a rough start this year, and I'm afraid this mood of mine wouldn't change throughout the year. I have a whole new perception about what is really meaningful to me in my life.
Friends are unnecessary. I can live fine by my own. In fact, I think I live better without them. They slow me down, and they break me too. Much more than lifting me up. I'll still stick to them, because similarly, they are like the white bonus's' I get in Rock Band; they get me more points, but I'll still get through next round without them. I'll still care about you guys. But not as much as I used to. or i can pretend, if you're that desperate for it.
Love? Is something I will never truly find. I don't believe in it anymore.
Just like the trash in my cupboards, I threw my old views and aims about/in life into the imaginary garbage bag. I don't need them anymore. All I need now is to do things slower, taking in everything so that time will pass in a break neck pace. Thats the plan, and soon, I'll leave everything and start anew.
While in the mean time, I'll try living in the present. No matter how excruciating it is.
I don't know what drove me to this much of annoyance. I get disgusted and annoyed by how some people take things so lightly, say things like they mean it but actually don't, make people fear them when in fact, their own souls are the ones whimpering in fear. And most of all what I hate is the people who pretend they know me when they don't know a shit.
I'm so sick and tired, its developing into rage. Its not simply annoyance anymore, I'm actually angry. I can scarcely find anything I truly enjoy doing anymore. Damning people to hell is a very hypocritical thing for me to do because I don't believe in heaven and hell.
I'm dancing on ice now, and spring is on its way, the ice is thinning.
I think I'm going to volunteer working in Tiratana's Orphanage near my place. Its the only thing that can satisfy me.. Being friends and building camaraderie with people who only and really need it.
i should have moved to Amminuddin Baki when I was offered.
