I didn't sleep well yesterday, I slept at 4 with gastric and woke up at 6 and then slept until 11. Its not insomnia or anything, and I suspect angst and anxiety are what kept me awake. I keep thinking of what to do in the future, what the future holds for me etc.

And I think I'm becoming nocturnal too. I find it hard to not nap in the afternoon, because I am so sleepy and eventually, I drift into a 4 hour nap. Yes, its very frustrating.

So yesterday night, while I was awake at such an ungodly hour, I decided to go online. I didn't know why I did it, I went through my archives. My blog has been active since I was 13, and to be exact my first post is on the 5th of September 07. That was 2 years ago, soon to be 3.

I continued reading all my posts I published all these years and realise how much I've changed. I used to despise people who swear, and here I am, carefree and waving my middle finger like nobody's business, using vulgarities like they're the first words I learned since I was a baby. okay, i'm exaggerating..
I don't swear that much.

I was this little girl who thought blogging could be fun, html codes were intriguing, and linking people made me a social butterfly. I used to blog every single day, like it was a duty to my readers or something. As years pass, the frequency of me blogging decrease drastically, and honestly I don't know why. I'm just not that passionate about it anymore.


I changed physically too. I honestly think, I looked best in 2008, when my complexion wasn't that damaged. I was also thinner than I am now. So... And year 2007 was just plain embarassment. See for yourself..


I've considered deleting this blog, or even change the link of it. But, there are just so many memories (that I want to forget, and what not) in this blog that I find pretty hard to let go of. I never threw any of my diaries, similarly, I wouldn't want to delete this blog.


And I realised one thing, I blog differently over the years. I'm talking about the way I blog. I started off really formal in my first year. Then slowly, my blog became more personal (a lot of tears and emotions). Now that I read the posts, I feel like an idiot. I didn't need the whole world to know I fragile I am. Seriously, I don't.

And this year, I've started becoming more "cincai". I include lahs, mahs, omg's' and more, being the typical sampat-manglish-speaking-bitchy-Malaysian I am. I blogged randomly too. Short posts with only a sentence or two that nobody would understand. Its almost as if I post something random and probably sad or mad and expect a special reader to decipher what the hell I was writing about.

I don't quite plan what to write before I blog, my fingers just dance around the keyboard while I smile in amusement at the clicking sounds I produce while blogging.

I also thought of bringing my blog up to a new level. Having nuffnang and ads in my blog and taking my blog seriously. But that would also mean I have to be really commited into blogging. Despite my love towards blogging, I can't promise people that. I may come off a little cranky and might not post something people want to read or maybe even have mood swings and not blog for weeks. That happened before. So, I decided not to take my blogging seriously.

Bloggers who I am very fortunate of knowing like Caely and Michelle C. are consistent bloggers blogging in English that puts my blog to shame. They blog almost everyday, and I find their posts interesting and professional. Although, they're mostly words, I always read them all. And I end up getting fascinated by their posts. :) I feel like a stalker all of the sudden.

This post is really formal, much compared to my previous posts, and really long too! I think I should stop typing before this gets to boring :)

-Camen

Labels: emotions, random