"Who's God?"
"Well, you know when you wish for something and really really hope for it to be real?"
"Yeah."
"Well, God's the one who ignores you."

-Conversation between fictional character Lincoln Six Echo and James Mccord from the movie The Island

Hello. I'm a hugger, I stutter and I'm sensitive to noise. I mute the television when I watch certain genres of films and when the commercials are on.
I'm turning 16 on the 23rd of July 2010. I'm around 5 foot 2 and I weigh around 48 kg. I have a shape of a pear, but thats okay.
I do not have nice skin or complexion, having problems with acnes and breakouts. Its not fun having people around and suggesting ways to improvise my skin, but what doesn't kill me make me stronger.
I detest homophobics because, I take sympathy to the homosexuals who are passed judgement on. They deserve to love whomever they want.

I'm a TV addict. I'm a CSI( all Vegas,Miami and NY ) freak. I don't quite do soap operas but occasionally, I make exceptions.
I listen to alot of 60s, 70's and 80s music, and I happen to love it very much. Jazz makes me feel alive and peaceful. And I adore Norah Jones and Micheal Buble is my Jazz god.
Mainstream music can be interesting but mostly its all too noisy for me. Despite my sensitivity towards noise, I play the drums. Its the only instrument I find absolutely destinied with.


I hate at first sight sometimes, making me judgemental. But of course, I make my judgements silently. I love too, but not at first sight. I find that pretty hard to believe in.
I love easily, and hate easily too. I love babies and kids. They make me feel rejoiced and happy.
I hate too. But I currently don't know what. Its easy to hate than to love; thats life, no?

Its my goal to study the art and literature of English. I know, there's still a long way ahead of me, but I will make it.


I'm imperfect. I don't quite know who I am, but I'm pretty sure who I am not.

Anne Calvin O. Entrux Kelly MinChi Nicholas Ruby Stanley Wenx Yun ZackChuen

Blogstars. Isabelle Michelle C

layout: Sheryl
coding reference: 1
images: 1

1:15 AM

I wanna scream on top of my lungs right now.
And I want to scream at someone, I don't care who. I want to be heard.
I want someone's eardrums to break, the thin membrane to explode, the eustachian tube disconnected, the cochlea to leak.
I want to make someone's life miserable, wishing he/she might as well be dead.
I want someone to know how I feel, the angst and the hopes full and built up, then crash in disappointment and drown in misery.

Life is unjust. If thats the one real thing I've learned in my pathetic 16 year old life. Life, is unjust.

It never mattered how hard you tried, you'll never be what you want to be. You'll never get what you worked so hard for, and you'll see other people taking them away from you even when the entire world knows that you worked the hardest.

It never mattered, you'll never get it anyways. You'll have to stay this miserable forever.

-Camen

Labels: emotional

10:17 PM

I feel so depressed right now! Its this novel I got hooked on to..

Its so interesting, I get to finish it in 4 hours. I never left the book. Its a crime and thriller novel. As usual, I yawn whenever I read romance.
And I'm depressed because my favourite character didn't get that girl he's been friends with for such a long time! Eeeeppp. But there's a continuation! its called8th Confession!

I believe its not over yetttt! :D The story line isn't all that great, but its absolutely thrilling. Enough to get your hands sticking on to it until you find out the verdict.

Its pretty much like CSI, and yes I am a huge CSI kaki. :D I watch supreme Sunday almost every sunday :)

I NEED to get 8th Confession. Pronto.

Labels: books

10:58 PM

I read as much as I sleep.
I stare into space when I'm bored.
I prefer staying home than going out, even with friends.
I find technology overated and sleeping fun.
I spend alot of time with my family, honestly, they're probably the ONLY humans that I'm positive who love me for who I am.
I like spending time alone, in solitude, in my own world. Its a habit I got used to after 2008, I hated myself for trusting anyone else but myself ever since.

And I don't trust, so if I told you a secret, the information must have not mattered to me. So, even if you start a rumor or speculation with it, I wouldn't care. Not even the least. Or maybe, thats just what I wanted you to do.

I'm a boring person, and you know what, I like it.

At least I know who I am. Or at the very least, a fragment of me.

Labels: crap, random

8:01 PM
seriously, i don't know why I'm blogging so often nowadays ;)

wait! i know why! Its my laptop.. I love the feeling of typing with a laptop :D

Oh anyways, I swimmed today! I haven't swimmed for what? 4 to 5 months.. (btw, i live in a condominium-just so you know, its not a private pool) I accomplished 12 laps (1 lap= to and fro) and I didn't stop to rest! :D

I feel really good because I aimed only 5 laps, and I'll be tired. But I managed 12 laps :D

I'm aiming for 15 tomorrow :) I really hope this doesn't affect my complexion *fingers crossed*

Off to do my mask now :D

Oh oh oh oh, one more resolution:

Save money to buy a drum pad!

Don't know whats a drum pad?

Its much more affordable than a drum set (RM 800++)

Chinese new year angpaos pleasssee come in bigggg!

Labels: swimming

3:52 PM

• Swim at least 4 times a week.
• Take Form 4 seriously
• Work hard to improve my complexion
• Jog on every weekend morning.
• To read all the novels I have on my shelf

Labels: new year, resolutions

7:42 PM

Heeeyyylllooo.

Its the 30th already. *gasp* I honestly don't know why this doesn't quite feels like the end.. It feels like a beginning. Well, I must say, this year isn't quite like any other year I lived. Its been a roller coaster ride. I've been so many people this year i.e. the retarded, the weird, the lame, the nerd, the asshole, the bitch, the psychopath etc. Like I said, roller coaster ride.

I've successfully survived this year with a few awesome people I am very lucky to have.


My biatches! (evane included!) What would I do without you girls?

I can't believe this picture's pretty recentMin Chi
Honestly, I never saw it coming, how close we are now. Come to think of it, I'm pretty surprise how I ended up being so close to you :D well, its a good thing. We've been classmates for 3 years of high school, its date I guess? I'm so lucky to have you all these years. But I guess, I'll have to deal with my new class of 2010 without you :( Anyhow, we're still bitches for life and as close as we are now. Just so you know, you're a terrible listener ;) but thats okay. Don't forget me ah! me love you :D


I find this picture so funny.
Yi Ting
This might sound a little weird but, I think we have a lot in common? We're TV addicts but you definitely beat me out of the competition ;) You're honestly the last one I would go to if I had a problem but the first one to find when I wanna look for fun and thrill :D You're extremely adorable and you just wouldn't let me hug you :( you know me! I'm a HUGGER! :D ok ok ok, as much as I hate you for thinking Robert Pat is hotter than my husband Taylor (wtf!how could you) I still love you to the bits. yes, you can shiver now.


Evane
EVANE! I missed you in the holidays! Where have you been?? I miss talking to you on the phone! Anyways, thank youuuu for being there for me though shit and crap! :D you're always available when I need a shoulder to cry on (i promise you have the most comfortable one :D ) And hopefully, we're in the same class next year :) if you haven't change your mind on art stream, that is. love you darling :)


Zhi Qian
You're turning 16 soon! Darling, you have no idea how both sad and happy I am, knowing that you may be going to UK this year to study music. I'm really ecstatic that you can bring your talents to a whole new level and show the world how great of a pianist you really are. At the same time, I'm also worried and sad that you'll be leaving on your own :( whyyyyyyy? You know I love you right? :) so please keep me in close contact! even if you're on the other side of the globe! :D


Juliana
Oh dear, where do I start? ;) I love you soooo much, Ju. I can't believe you'll be leaving SO SOON! *sigh* I had so much fun, all the sleepovers, the chats, the shopping (intense workout) and the gossips. :) I only wish we can have more of that.. But.. we can't :( But anyways, I wish you all the BEST in Australia and I hope you make new friends over there but at the same time not forgetting the ones you made here in Malaysia :) Write to me!!
I'll miss you :(


Wenx
Hey dear! What can I say, this year we got very much closer? :) And I enjoyed all the fun we had! And all the constant bullying (the one who sat in front of you)! Hahaha. Thanks girl!

And of course the boys!


Yih Meng
My brudder from another mother! I had the best times of my life teasing you. You're really fun to be with because you just don't give a crap about everything else besides having fun :)

Jeremy
You are one real bitch to handle, weirdo. Its real great to finally get to know you and yeah, I had a great time bitching with you :D Its been one hell of a year, but anyways thanks.


Eugene
Eugene, I'm still hating you for changing school :( I'm seriously gonna miss you. I honestly don't know what to add on, because we're always joking around. But seriously, I don't want you to change school. :((( All the best with your new school and come visit often!

There's also Mason, Nicholas, Jiang, and JoHan! Thanks for everything la, I don't have much time to blog about you guys but still I love all of you the same!

AND RUBY!!! Darling, although we've been close just recently I'm loving you more and more each day :D

Stanley too! How can I not thank the person who I annoyed all these nights when I was nocturnal.

and of course, my lovely classmates. I love you all as well.

2:00 PM

I didn't sleep well yesterday, I slept at 4 with gastric and woke up at 6 and then slept until 11. Its not insomnia or anything, and I suspect angst and anxiety are what kept me awake. I keep thinking of what to do in the future, what the future holds for me etc.

And I think I'm becoming nocturnal too. I find it hard to not nap in the afternoon, because I am so sleepy and eventually, I drift into a 4 hour nap. Yes, its very frustrating.

So yesterday night, while I was awake at such an ungodly hour, I decided to go online. I didn't know why I did it, I went through my archives. My blog has been active since I was 13, and to be exact my first post is on the 5th of September 07. That was 2 years ago, soon to be 3.

I continued reading all my posts I published all these years and realise how much I've changed. I used to despise people who swear, and here I am, carefree and waving my middle finger like nobody's business, using vulgarities like they're the first words I learned since I was a baby. okay, i'm exaggerating..
I don't swear that much.

But yeah, I've changed. And, a blog made me realise that. It sounds a
little pathetic, but all along, I knew I changed, and just so happen I have a
blog to prove and confirm it.

I was this little girl who thought blogging could be fun, html codes were intriguing, and linking people made me a social butterfly. I used to blog every single day, like it was a duty to my readers or something. As years pass, the frequency of me blogging decrease drastically, and honestly I don't know why. I'm just not that passionate about it anymore.


I changed physically too. I honestly think, I looked best in 2008, when my complexion wasn't that damaged. I was also thinner than I am now. So... And year 2007 was just plain embarassment. See for yourself..


I've considered deleting this blog, or even change the link of it. But, there are just so many memories (that I want to forget, and what not) in this blog that I find pretty hard to let go of. I never threw any of my diaries, similarly, I wouldn't want to delete this blog.


And I realised one thing, I blog differently over the years. I'm talking about the way I blog. I started off really formal in my first year. Then slowly, my blog became more personal (a lot of tears and emotions). Now that I read the posts, I feel like an idiot. I didn't need the whole world to know I fragile I am. Seriously, I don't.

And this year, I've started becoming more "cincai". I include lahs, mahs, omg's' and more, being the typical sampat-manglish-speaking-bitchy-Malaysian I am. I blogged randomly too. Short posts with only a sentence or two that nobody would understand. Its almost as if I post something random and probably sad or mad and expect a special reader to decipher what the hell I was writing about.

I don't quite plan what to write before I blog, my fingers just dance around the keyboard while I smile in amusement at the clicking sounds I produce while blogging.

************

I also thought of bringing my blog up to a new level. Having nuffnang and ads in my blog and taking my blog seriously. But that would also mean I have to be really commited into blogging. Despite my love towards blogging, I can't promise people that. I may come off a little cranky and might not post something people want to read or maybe even have mood swings and not blog for weeks. That happened before. So, I decided not to take my blogging seriously.

Bloggers who I am very fortunate of knowing like Caely and Michelle C. are consistent bloggers blogging in English that puts my blog to shame. They blog almost everyday, and I find their posts interesting and professional. Although, they're mostly words, I always read them all. And I end up getting fascinated by their posts. :) I feel like a stalker all of the sudden.

This post is really formal, much compared to my previous posts, and really long too! I think I should stop typing before this gets to boring :)

-Camen

Labels: change

scream
7th Heaven Addiction
random shite
swimmmm
New Year resolutions anyone?
Its a new dawn, its a new day. ITS A NEW YEAR!
Blogging purpose
Evoulution
Christmas 2009
Draw
- - - - -
Take it from me: love has all the lasting permanence of a rainbow —beautiful while it’s there, and just as likely to have disappeared by the time you blink.